#fuck panera fuck insurance

[weisscreamcake]

made it to the last chapter for my insurance studying but i’m going to be raging the whole time because it’s workman’s comp and all i’m going to be thinking about is my panini work mom who had an oven door fall on her and (as far as i know) was never able to get workman’s comp to cover her back surgery

[chibiexorcist]

I want to cry. I really, really just want to cry.

I've gone almost 6 months without a job, because nobody is hiring without experience, or won't hire unless you can work past midnight (which I can't). And the only thing I've done- the only thing I've been allowed to do- is stay in the fucking kitchen.

I don't have work references either, which are preferred. Because I'm quiet and bad at making friends, so I never got anyone's contact info, let alone permission to use them as a reference.

I have 10 years of experience... at fucking McDonald's (9.5 years) and Panera Bread (half a year, before they fired me for being sick at the wrong time). Not like it matters.

My time on unemployment has almost run out, even though I didn't even start actually getting the payment until two months after I signed up. I won't be able to afford to pay rent or bills.

I can't sign up for even partial disability because even though I'd otherwise qualify, I'm 31 years old and not physically incapable of work, and therefore it's not even worth trying (info gained after looking it up on google).

I have only gotten three interviews, and none of them wanted me, even though it felt like it went well.

I feel absolutely worthless. To top it all off, because they've been screwing with my medications that used to work just fine, because mom brought up that my mood swings and depression were getting worse (while I was under a shitton of stress), my mental state is actually getting worse, not better.

I also suspect I may be autistic and/or have adhd- have suspected it for years actually. But I can only get diagnosed at one place around here, only recently had the opportunity to find and call them, and they're so backed up that it was going to take "2-3 weeks" (a month ago) for them to get back to me just to meet with someone and tell them in person why I think I might be (which they already asked on the phone anyway, in detail). Then it'll be a few weeks from that before I can get tested, if they deem it a possibility. And months after that for the results. So I won't actually know until probably the end of the year.

...anyway, that's not entirely related to anything but the mental health bit. Can't talk to a therapist either because the only local one I know of that takes my insurance and isn't super expensive is also a shitty place (from both my and others' experiences). But yeah. Overall?

I just....

Like, is life even worth it at this point?

I cannot afford to live, because I cannot fit into society like a normal person, and everyone has simultaneously high and low expectations of me, and I just..! I hate it. I hate it all. So much.

I can't even tell my friends, either, because I know that everyone else has it worse, so I'd feel bad just for, well, feeling bad. I have nowhere to turn right now, and I just... I want it to stop. I want everything to stop.

[herunswithscissors]

Life is too long for shitty ice cream.

Not only if life long, it is just plain shitty for most of us. And not just kinda shitty in this one thing. It's shitty everywhere. Our finances. Our relationships. Our support networks. Our jobs. The ridiculous demands of employers, insurance, medical providers, and banking for meager returns and constant attempts to rob me further.

So we need to carve out happiness out of little pleasures and relationships and self-made, cheap fun.

Here is one secret to staying closer to your budget. It won't fix everything but it can help to fix up your willpower a good bit. Here it is:

be a hedonist.

(Not a hedonist for God or anything noble like that. But a straight up hedonist. We need God relationally, John Piper)

You don't have Kardashian wealth. Hell. You don't even have wealth. Just the barest existence for most of us. You can't afford to be some Roman Aristocrats type of hedonist.

But you can afford some minor luxuries for yourself if you do a good job of managing your finances.

Pick some luxuries. Any little luxury your very favorite ones. Now pick a quirky one. You know, cash gives freedom like nothing else. Based on your finances, decide on a little allowance for yourself. Give yourself some extra cash your use for whatever the fuck you want.

Ok. Those are your rewards to yourself for managing your finances.

It doesn't matter how down on your luck you get. You should find a way to splurge at least a little on those little luxuries and to give yourself some spending money.

And then the stick is if you don't manage your finances well and need to cover the bills, those are the first places to cut this week.

Cut things like fishing lures, shoes, coffee, ice cream, spices, and salad dressing/sauces only if your budget went real sideways this month.

If at all possible keep them in, but you can use them to cover up overspending and you suffering that loss of pleasure or freedom will help remind you next time you want Panera for lunch.

Fishing lures is an example of a little luxury. Plus nothing fishes like a Rapala. Or a Yomomoto Sinko when the bass aren't biting on our new toys. Or our more economical imitation models/baits. There just is no comparison. So give yourself some cash to use for whatever fishing shit that'll get you.

Same thing with booze. If you are a coniseur there's nothing like the expensive whisky. If you have a health relationship with booze and your bottles last for a long time and are important to you to be really good shit for you to unwind or enjoy it, then yeah splurge.

If you can't afford to you splurge you might be having too much fun coniseuring. Or you might be having too much fun partying. I feel for you and have those same needs to escape.

But protect your liver and your mental health. Switch to weed. THC is a lovely nontoxic way to liven up parties and time alone or together. It makes lonely times and depression feelings more pleasant with more positive feelings to retrain your brain how to be happy. (That was my experience, anyway).

And as long as you stay away from the cheapest options weed is all varieties of pretty nice. Even the cheapest edible/liquid options at the legal weed stores give very pleasant results. usually.

Shoes are important.

Get the best boots you can possibly afford. Chances are you'll be wearing them 24-7 for an eternity. The 5th day of backpacking can feel like an eternity in the rain in bargain bin no name boots. Splurge as much as you can.

If you are the kinda guy who wears 3 shoes for life (work shoe, dress shoe, sneaker) then you should splurge as much as you can afford.

Coffee is vital to your life and happiness. It is the one ray of joy in your life. Don't Folger's yourself or your loved ones. Get the Peet's. Every week. Trust me.

(Also heavy cream to go with it and the finest quality decently affordable sweetener you can afford to buy (just for coffee/tea).)

Spices/sauces You must learn to cook if you want affordable yummy food. But key to success is quality spices. (My Suegra can take Dollar Store spices and deliver results that are literally deserving of Michelin Stars. Every goddamn night. Immigrant moms all over this city and country do that. Using cow asses and frozen chicken thighs. Immigrant moms are amazing.

You, on the other hand, are shit and need all the help you can get.

Get the quality spices.

You likely can't afford to buy all of them this week. That's ridiculous. Just add one or two each week to your spice rack. Till you get a nice collection and then just refill and explore new spices.

Spices and sauces last us for weeks at are going to play a huge part in our enjoyment of our only downtime meal. You made it. Make it tasty.

Sweet Baby Ray's has nothing on the really good stuff like Stubb's. It's just 3 bucks more at the most. Good hot sauces will help make your meh just for variety dishes more enjoyable, and your banger meals amazing.

And finally cash. Give yourself some goddamn cash. Make it enough to slide yourself a twenty or more every week to just do shit with. Light shopping, coffee drive-thru, movies, lunch out, Lotto tickets, whatever.

You relieve some of the pressure

The pressure of not buying anything or going out or having nicer clothes out eating lunch or staying in the budget for this and the envelope for that. It's just continued slavery but we're enslaved to the dollar, with the dollar keeping us in our neighborhoods and not straying out side much. Because we can't fucking afford to.

And then there's that weird compulsion to spend. Like I must buy something today kind of compulsion.

Denying yourself everything all the time while watching others freely enjoying them is maddening.

But you can blow off some steam buying really good coffee and then enjoying truly good coffee every morning with cream. (fresh ground last night, set timer).

You can feel better and enjoy your food more. Taking joy in your cooking. Buy those pricey spices. Get that Madagascar vanilla bean. Kraft doesn't make good BBQ sauce. Tapito is hard to really get a taste for if you're not Mexican. You can feel better while eating.

If you give yourself license to splurge, even if it's just a few bucks per week on a few little minor things. If you do this you let off the steam.

And don't forget the ice cream.

Get the really good kind. It's just 2 dollars a quart more to enter a whole new universe of ice cream. But if you can afford the $10 range... 🤯

Good ice cream will change your world.

[synthaphone]

doctor i called is booked all the way out into may and not taking new patients... pandemic sucks man

[naomixhill]

26 March 2020

To have been so close, so many times.  There will come a time in life when you will have to choose between what is easy and what you want. You don’t want to be a fraud, I can attest to it.  2014 was a defining year for me. I remember sitting across from a boy at the campus Panera off Lane, and he was nearly yelling as he said “you don’t want to even work in insurance, Naomi! Don’t give up on your dreams. You can do this. You do not need to always settle.” I couldn’t take criticism then and I can’t now. It is unnatural to me, uncomfortable, feels like a personal assault on my character and worth. So I laughed and I said I’d give it a go, but it didn’t matter that he believed in me because I never actually believed in the vision myself.  I think along the way I learned how to choose fictitious versions of myself in an effort to maintain some bit of aloofness. Because too many things were taken from me, and this was the one thing I couldn't bare failing. I had wanted it for too long and it meant too much to me. 

I was so close to being an investment banker. I was so close. I wanted it badly. And, I could blame the events of my life and the people in my life as deterrents, but really it was just me. I stopped myself. Back then, it was better not to try then to try and to fail. But I had every appearance of trying for a long time.  In fact, there were times in my life where all I did was study finance and markets. I was a well known personality on Twitter for my trades, I co-ran a finance club on campus, and I had an unblemished transcript of straight A’s. I did everything right: I joined the ski club for appearances, practiced golf and tennis, and studied the arts and culture so I could talk extemporaneously on any subject. I had set my life up for this moment, and I FUCKING BLEW IT.  Because, going into my junior year, I decided it was easier to marry the investment banker than be the investment banker. I decided that I would be the girl in the black dress at the Gansevoort rooftop overlooking NYC on someone’s arm. I chose to be an accessory in the background of dinner parties that had nothing to do with food. I let someone else pay for my Hugo Boss for a couple years. I married a CEO of a proprietary trading company and gave up on any ambitions or dreams of my own. Permanently.  I continued working in insurance and never stopped. Entire months of my life go by wondering who I would have been, who I should have been. 

But I am here now. It is too late for me. 

[lunanight2012]

I've had a really bad day

Where do I even start?

Got yelled at by my boss before 10am, got told to shut up by my boss, also got told I was fucking wrong about something when I wasnt, then I FUCKED UP HARDCORE on a company's general ledger closing...

Now I get to games club where I expect to have fun and be in my safe place.

I even got my favorite food, Panera's! But nope the other girl, and her boyfriend, in my dnd campaign got all bitchy and kept leaving the room, all because she hated how I eat.

If I'm trying to focus on the campaign I'm not able to focus on eating with my fucking mouth shut, but i also dont smack smack smack really loudly.

And we ended up yelling at each other and caused our dm to get made and scream at us to both shut up and he ended the campaign early

My birthday is next Thursday and.... I'm actually really scared to go.

I was gunna buy a cookie cake and share it with everyone but..... I can't eat then... cuz she'll get bitchy and in turn so will her boyfriend.... i had to put my food away and starve myself for an hour all because she doesn't understand that Its hard for me to focus and remember to eat like Im at a fuckin fancy ass restaurant all at the same time especially when im also stressing about work and health insurance

......

Yea

Anyways just me ranting while also tryin to not cry

Please DO NOT reblog this!

Its just a personal rant

[dragondogerin]

Panera’s dispatching system was down today, so that was fun. We couldn’t see how many orders were coming up, when they were due, where they were, where our drivers were... Oh, and half of our parking lot (the most used half) was closed off for construction.

AND THEN as I was leaving for my last delivery of the day, I got backed into. Very minor accident with minimal damage, but she only stuck around for long enough to take pictures of each other’s insurance info before she just left, and I had to fill out a form because I was on the clock, and I couldn’t fill out the whole form because she didn’t even give me her contact info.

The most frustrating fucking thing about it is, though it is barely damaged, that’s THE FUCKING BUMPER I JUST HAD REPLACED BECAUSE I GOT REAR-ENDED A FEW MONTHS AGO!

Really fucking glad I’m taking a vacation tomorrow. I need to go sit on a boat with a beer.

[alicecanthang]

Tomorrow I have a doctor’s appointment at fucking 7:40 am but they said to get there by 7:25 but it’s literally 15 minutes from work and there’s a Panera right next to the doctor’s office so I might get one of those fucking delicious egg souffles.

Then on Tuesday I have to get my allergy shot because I’m already a week late because I was sick last week (I’m still not 100% better) and they only give them super early on Tuesdays so ugh I think they open at 7:30 and then I have to stay for 30 minutes to make sure I don’t have a reaction, and I’ll probably make it to work right on time but I’m actually kind of worried about being late. And then that night I’m going to see Les Mis and I’m SO FUCKING EXCITED!!! If I hadn’t already agreed to purchase as part of a group I probably wouldn’t be going because I definitely can’t afford it... but it’s only like $50 and my parents are giving me money for clothes and doctor’s appointments this month so I can make it work.

And then on Wednesday, I have to leave work early because I have a psychiatrist appointment (I told work it was for a follow up for my surgery and you bet I’ll tell them that for next month’s appointment too! And hopefully after that I won’t need one for a while and then I won’t have to worry about explaining myself and I can just say it’s for medication management or whatever and be super vague.) And then I would really like to go to karaoke that night with everyone but idk, I’m probably going to be really fucking tired and crying from my appointment and I know I’ll be tired because I’ll have been up late from Les Mis the night before I really shouldn’t. 

And then I FINALLY don’t have any more appointments until the 29th and 30th. But Gasparilla is the 26th and I think I’m going to my friend’s aunt’s boujee party on this island and getting wasted which will hopefully be really fun.

And then for February I have literally nothing so far which is amazing. Like, wow. I’m going to be able to finish dealing with all of these fucking healthcare bills and just fucking breathe. And hopefully stop avoiding doing fun things because I’m so overwhelmed. And maybe find a show to audition for. Idk. So many possibilities! After January, it should be mostly smooth sailing.

The only kink in the road I’m expecting are getting my work health insurance in April. And then after that, figuring out my new budget and seeing if I can get a cat. It’s crazy how much motivation that’s giving me right now.

I did a fuckton of dishes this weekend and I finally have some counter space again, and my stove isn’t covered in dishes. I still have a lot of dishes to do, but it seems a lot more manageable now and I can finally see the light. It’s giving me hope. My room has also become a huge fucking mess, but that’s mostly just picking up trash, putting away clothes, and vacuuming that I have to do. If I really focused, it probably wouldn’t even take me an entire afternoon since my place is so goddamn small lmao. And it helps that I know I have until April to get it all done so I don’t feel pressured to do it or anything. Maybe after I get it cleaned up, I’ll even start having friends over again! That would be nice. Because then we could go to this wine bar and meet up here and I could get super wine drunk and not worry about how I’m getting home lmao.

[carvajalsdani]

It’s really nice to know that all the help I offer in this household will never be enough for my mother all the bills I pay (half the lightbill, the Internet bill, 3 cellphone lines, 2 insurances), all the cleaning I do around the house, ALWAYS cleaning up after the dogs, when things get broken or need repair I always pitch in, I buy toiletries and water bottles and stuff like that for every1 every time I buy MY groceries (bc I don’t wanna take my family’s food when I can just buy my own and they can have more) and translating all of the cellphone calls for appointments and random calls and things like that... it’s not enough for her she’s always complaining about how I can do more and it’s like....... I barely have enough money to treat myself to something nice every month and sometimes treating myself just means getting a fucking meal from Panera lol like that’s $15 I’m saving to help me stay sane and that’s it the rest of my money is going to my family !! my brother and his gf have been living w us again for like half a year and not once have they ever chipped in for the light bill (even tho they sleep w the light on and leave the lights on when they’re away) eat all the food including mine and never ever clean up after themselves also my brother literally stole my dad’s car from him and has the audacity to not pay the insurance bill or the remainder of the title and I’m the 1 that needs to help out even more??? I’m never going to be good enough for her and I’ve tried so hard these past couple of years to establish a better relationship w her but she just doesn’t want it I guess I’m at the point of just finding an apartment or roommates or something bc I cannot live in this toxic household anymore my dad won’t even listen to what I have to say bc he thinks I’m being silly w my mother (he does appreciate all I do but won’t listen) I’m tired of not being appreciated it’s frustrating to know it’s never gonna change like why do I need her approval so bad ???? Fuck that and fuck her im done trying to fix something that’s not gonna get better I just cannot do it anymore

[beaversatemygrandma]

Hmmm I was just given another option of how my year may go.  I Could always move up to NC for a while with my dad, where I’ll actually have somebody who will help me move forward and teach me how to be a real adult.  Coming out as transmasc will likely not happen tho, but at least i could be openly bi up there.  (read more bc im rambly thinking about this stuff)

Not to mention he’s willing to take like two days off, get me insurance, a license and a car right as i go up there. Like instantly. Instead of this argument with my mom about how i’m rushing to get my license (im fuckin 21 im not rushing, i Need one). Plus she says she’d be okay with me moving back in, but i’d be paying rent, and she doesn’t want me to yet. (apparently wants to remodel her bathroom first but idk what that has to do with me) Not to mention she’s wanting to bail on this state as soon as my sister graduates. Which is maybe in a year and a half?  So, if i do that, I might not be in FL for a long while (at least six months or so but if i like it there? maybe longer), but at least I’d have a car and be able to drive back as i please. I love long road trips, so that’s def not out of the option for the one of you wondering ;3 

It would be a good change of pace and after talking to the bf about it, he says it might be a good chance to move on and get to do what i want to do instead of just existing as i am. Which is a bit sad, but ik we weren’t going to be a forever thing. We’ve established that one a while ago. But heck, as of the end of may it would be my longest relationship at 2 yrs. I’d definitely still talk to him too.  i mean sure, i dont know anyone there bc i havent lived there since i was 7, but id at least have my dad, youngest sister, and grandma. It’s a solid idea and my dad even knows people working at NCU and i might be able to get in there and actually do college now that im not burnt out to extreme points.  Plus, he wouldn’t charge me rent. 

And not knowing people would give me a good chance to put myself out there again and not struggle with sifting through the friends i have in my mom’s town to avoid the relations to my ex. And maybe not be suffocated by being close to all the town’s stoners. Like i am now. Ish. I stopped talking to people and im starting to wonder if its even worth trying to go back to them because i might not have the friendship degeneration thing, but ik all of them do. (except like one and i will REGRET leaving them behind bc we still text like once a month and theyre so fuckin encouraging and sweet even if it is the much older stoner i hung out with back in the panera days) Besides, being with that group just led me into turning into a stoner myself and im breaking away from that one because holy hell that was a Ride start to finish. (my brain goes FAST again and its shocking like holy shit i can read still) A lot of regretful stuff happened, even if some of it was fun as hell, but not worth it in the long run if i want to be a functioning human being. 

Will i go up there and be one of those people on tinder looking for friends because they’re new to town? yeah probably. Will it work? I fucking hope so. I want to gather other like-minded people to hang out with so bad. Maybe some other nb people too. (and tbh maybe a gf because heck yeah) 

I’m liking this idea currently. It’d be a nice change of pace. Having a supportive parent around would also be a nice thing. And my little sister needs an influence from somewhere (even if the two of our ADHD issues goes berserk when together. I’ll do something impulsive, then she does and it’s usually worse bc she’s only 12 and Much Worse with focus even on meds.) And my dad supports meds, unlike my mom. So if i could get this adhd treated, things might just get easier too. (instead of self-medicating with things i shouldnt self-medicate with lol) 

Random unrelated thing, i actually ended up talking to my mom about the mental health screenings she got me as a child. Apparently 2 doctors said i was super hyperactive with adhd and another one said aspergers. So. I might have undiagnosed aspergers too. So that’s a thing. (no she never medicated me or went any further with testing. bc giving benzos to kids is bad which i can understand, but i didnt grow out of it like she thought i would and it causes me problems.) 

The only things im really worried about with going up there, is of course, leaving people behind, possibly having to take care of my extremely hyperactive sister who overwhelms me, and being in a big city.  Like Big City my dude. It’s Charlotte. I mean yeah sure, its where i was born, but i havent been in a big city since i was 7. Relearning how to drive during Their rush hour instead of the one here will be very overwhelming.  Perks though, would be real public transportation (they have trains and real buses, like holy shit), a parent who gives a shit, and the insane amount of decent paying job openings up there that wouldn’t be in a tourist trap where i’d get disrespected by rich white people all the time bc they think im stupid or smth. (no avoiding karens tho if i go back into customer service but if i can help it, im avoiding that) 

But i think just having a parent who encourages me and wants me to progress in life would be the biggest help. My mom seems to not want to see me getting ‘better than her’ bc the rest of the family looks down on her for not being successful (ig, i mean her sister’s a lawyer who stole my college fund to put her kids into private schools and accessed the will from my granddad way too early and all that shit when we’re the ones who needed that money bc we make less than 20k a year) but still, aren’t you supposed to be proud of your child if they’re going to potentially be in a better spot than you are?  Like my dad continues to remind me that i graduated with honors and a bunch of special stuff and how that isn’t common and how i have so much potential that i dont think i have and how i can actually qualify for a decent well paying job if i just go back to school. Plus, he’s got the connections to NCU. That’s a good school. I really wouldn’t mind actually getting some peace of mind for the future by getting what i need to done. And He’ll Help Me. (EDIT: It’s not NCU, it’s UNC. The Tar Heels. The blue one. In NC. Not Cali.) And he even knows how the world works a lot better than my mom seems to. He actually knows how to use those government help things and work around all the issues there instead of the blanant avoidance my mom has to it. (i havent had insurance since i was 17, like heck i need to go get myself checked out for A Lot of things and i cant afford to do that. She also doesn’t believe in credit cards. Real words she’s said. I shit you not.) 

i think i might do it. i dont see myself thriving back at my mom’s. she’d just keep me under her control and prob have me just at yet another standstill like ive been in since 2017. (fuckin pandemic really didnt help that. chose a bad year to get my shit together tbh because that didnt work, hell, neither did i lol)  Yeah sure, i got to move out and see what that’s like. Living on my own, working over 40 hours a week, seeing how poverty+ tastes... it tastes bad. I dont want to do that again. I learned some things. I’ve matured and have (mostly) processed what the actual fuck the trauma i got during high school was. (ahh the neo-nazi and the abusive jackass of a bf i had... hoooboy...)  Plus real seasons?? Sign me up. I miss seeing orange leaves in the fall and snow in the winter. And not suffering with daily 90+ degree weather. 

Even if i can’t (the transphobia is scary my guy) come out as transmasc, i’ll still likely get my hands on a binder and just go full gnc. More than i was before tbh. I’ve always been the ‘tomboy’ so it wouldn’t be so out of place doing that all of the sudden. Prob also going to cut my hair to have that fauxhawk that can be used in the most nb ways. It seems very nice and very versatile.  Might help the dysphoria that I’ve apparently had since 2015, likely longer. That’s just when i learned the word for it. Which has been Much Much worse lately due to the quarantine mane i still have going on. (mom wouldn’t help me just shave it off.... ;-;  Tho it is only shoulder length now with an undercut. Better, but still not good.) And the weight. Oh god and the weight. I miss my days of being flat as a board and having people unable to tell what i was. But nooo, i gotta be curvy. Doesn’t help that my mom makes me feel bad about it too. (thanks for the plus size clothes i got last xmas... im not that big. Damn.) Might also be the birth control... my body has more female hormones now than it knows what to do with. I could benefit from a break from it tbh. 

Also, who knew that if i stop self-medicating in a certain way, I’d get my will to live back? I sure wasn’t expecting it to hit so soon after quitting after hearing all the bs about how it was addictive and hard to quit (it’s not. At all. sure there’s a certain reliance your brain gets if you smoke for like four years straight all day everyday, i didn’t personally but it was a decent amount, but after like a day or two it’s gone. No headaches. No weird pain and mood swings. Whoever started the shit about it being so bad obviously never tried it. *glares at fuckin reagan and DARE and all the racial/criminal issues that come with it*) Though, I’ll still be happy that it’s getting legalized. (not fully in either of these states but still, it’s at least decriminalized in NC) It is a good thing in moderation, like giving a cat catnip. Just an extra plaything tossed into your enclosure sometimes so you don’t get bored and depressed. I haven’t done it in a good two weeks though and only really will if i end up hanging out with said stoner friends or to knock myself out if insomnia is kicking my ass, but that’s really it. I don’t want to anymore and that’s the end of that.  Not going back to embracing stoner culture like i did back in my apt and panera days tho. There’s some sketchy people who come around and its usually with drugs that actually are bad. (like that one tinder date who tried to bring coke into my apt and me and my roommate had to quickly shut him down. Never did hear from him again. Which is good. Not gonna associate with that shit that’s actually addictive and potentially dangerous.) Anyways, just glad im not too burnt out anymore to think and talk to people. This is definitely a step in the right direction. I think i could actually have a chance if i make the move this year. I definitely have enough savings to drop on the whole move and car and whatever else I’d need. (stimmies themselves pay for the car bc i never did spend them) 

Hopefully, this will end with me feeling good about myself for the first time ever and actually doing something with my life instead of sitting around depressed as hell. Could maybe be a real adult for once. Hell, I’m almost 22, i need to get onto this shit. My gap year may have been four years, but im getting there.  The positive influence from the bf and his family have been good for me and i think it was the kick i needed to get me started. The pandemic has given me a chance to breathe and process things. So, it hasn’t been all bad.  I just have to remember to pace myself so i don’t burn out again. It took way too long to recover from it. 

Side note: Holy fuck the covid case in NC are SO MUCH LESS than FL. Like less than half. Only about 1k vs like 6k a day. Another pro I guess. 

[amorningshadeofyellow-blog]

What Time Is It? (A Day in the Life with Intrusive Thought OCD)

The last week or two has far surpassed the brim, overflowing with stress and wonder, lack of this, lack of that, thinking, thinking, thinking. Since coming back from Tulane, I think I’ve managed to scrape the bottom of the barrel a little less elegantly. It’s been an unexplainable place, surrounded by an unexplainable feeling, but the least I can do is try. Explaining my OCD is not something I do to make you feel bad for me, not something that I do to gain pity points. It’s embarrassing. I was one of the smartest girls around; I still am. Where does it make sense to be consumed- literally consumed- in thoughts that are so infantile, so small, so stupid and pointless? It doesn’t, but this is my attempt to explain the mental process and impact my OCD has made. 

There are a handful of types of OCD. Most people associate OCD with cleaning, organizing, scrubbing your hands 18 times in an hour or flipping a light switch 6 times. There was a YouTube video of a guy who was performing some sort of spoken poetry about his OCD and the girl he loved. I always thought about that. With the little research I’ve done, I’ve found that the basic types are as follows: those who clean, those who organize, those who check, those who hoard, and those with intrusive thoughts- the obsessives. Obviously, my case is the latter. In slight description, the cleaners are the ones who scrub hands and surfaces, afraid of germs and contamination. The organizers are fixated on symmetry, things being centered and equally, those who organize their desks so precisely that if a pen moves two centimeters- they know. The checkers are those who check door locks, light switches, stove tops- often so obsessed with the idea that there will be a fire, a break in, something fo the sorts. The hoarders are obvious without description. Then, there are those of us that suffer from intrusive thoughts. My kind. Those who will be having a normal day, walking the halls to class or driving along the road, and suddenly an unwarranted and unwanted thought presents itself. This begins an obsessive-compulsive cycle, and it’s where I’ve struggled for many years. Where you’re able to see the compulsion- the cleaning, hoarding, flipping light switches and organizing desks, mine is far harder to detect. My compulsion- the relief- it comes in many forms. I need far more reassurance than the average human solely because I’ve depleted my ego and don’t think highly enough of myself to take my own word. It’s hard to make people understand it because we all worry. Where I differ is that my worry is an all consuming part of my day. Not every day. Some days, I don’t worry so much. Some days, when there’s no stressors and I feel the sun on my face and am confident in my body and mind- I do alright. Others, I quite literally think I’m the worlds most embarrassingly psychotic human being. So, I’m still learning. The compulsion aspect of my disorder still confuses me. The routines I go through to relieve the anxiety isn’t always the same, but there’s a compulsion. The thirty texts, the drinking, the sudden stopping myself from eating or sleeping, the texts, the texts, the endless flow of words that keep coming, the apologies on top of apologies. It doesn’t really make sense to me, and I guess that’s because I still think of the man switching the light off and on. 

To further indulge in the intensity and persistent nature of these thoughts- I want to explain how a day may work for me. I wake up. What time is it? 7:45. So, I should leave by 8:35 at the least because getting my bags out of my car and parking, locking the doors and situating my things so I can grab my coffee from my console will take probably four minutes, three or four to walk to class. I’m doing my makeup. My eyebrow hair grows so strangely. I should pluck these, but is it going too look too sparse right here? I think they’re too dark, but I don’t have time to really go back and change it. If I waste the product more I’ll have to buy another brow pencil by the end of April. They’re twenty-one dollars. I have three-hundred and six dollars in my bank account, but less than a fourth a tank of gas. However, I go to San Diego Monday, so I only need gas to go to Jackson for classes these next two days and then Saturday to clean the office. I should fill up before I go to San Diego in case I spend too much there. It takes thirty dollars to fill up my car. My seventy dollar car insurance already came out of my account, but I still need to pay those medical bills. Shit, my medical bills. I’m sure at least one has gone to collection. Is my credit going to be terrible now? How do I fix that? I should ask my mom. I hope my credit isn’t bad. three hundred and six minus thirty is two hundred and seventy six. That should be fine. Maybe I can afford another brow pencil. God, what time is it? 8:06.

 I feel my window to see how cold it is outside. Probably 60 degrees. I’ll wear a skirt and crop top. I think I’ve gained weight. I’ve been eating less. Did I? I shouldn’t weigh myself. If I weigh myself I’ll be upset all day long if I have gained weight. I didn’t eat that much yesterday. Maybe it’s lower. I weigh myself. I’m .2 pounds less than I was yesterday. That’s fine. Okay. I’m just over thinking it. I think my hips are too noticeably big. My hair is too dead on the ends, too, but I should wait to get it trimmed. Would bangs look cool? My face is too round. What if they make my face look fatter? I’m straightening my hair. I need to buy a hair mask or a heat protectant. This is probably why my hair is dead. I could leave it natural more, but I look less put together- more messy. Did I have a quiz today? No, I don’t think so. I think that’s next Thursday. My grades. Fuck, my grades are probably terrible. I wonder how much extra credit I’d have to do. Is Tulane going to accept my credits? What if I just wasted three thousand dollars at Union? 8:28. I should brush my teeth. I should put my pajama tshirt back on in case I get tooth paste on my top. God, my car is so nasty on the inside. If I have lunch with mom today, maybe I’ll just eat a salad or smoothie for dinner. I don’t want to be bloated before San Diego. I have pictures to take. What if I miss my connecting flight? I wonder what they do. Can I bring a razor in my checked bag? I don’t want to buy $20 razors there to shave my legs. 

I grab a water bottle and get into my car. Oh, I have less gas than I thought. I check it constantly as I drive. I drive past my ex boyfriend’s house on my way to pick up a friend for breakfast before class. He’s home? He’s never home on Mondays. Is he okay? Is his brother sick? Did something happen with his car? Does he need a ride? Is he mad? Did I say something this week that put him into a rut and now he’s depressed and can’t leave bed? I should text him. There are already ten texts sent from me from our discussion yesterday. Am I being too annoying? I bet he’s annoyed. Why do we even still talk every day? Did he ignore those on purpose? I think he read this one sentence as rude. I didn’t mean to be rude. God, I look like such a bitch. Maybe I should apologize. I’ll apologize. I text and explain that I drove by to get a friend in his neighborhood. Are you okay? Is your brother? Just wanted to make sure nothing was wrong. I go to breakfast. Panera is out of espresso, so I can’t get coffee. What if I get tired today? I slept eleven hours last night; I should be fine. I slept eleven hours. That’s too many. Am I getting depresses again? No, I think I feel fine. I feel happy. Yeah, I think I’m good. Okay. Should I eat a bagel? That’s too many carbs. You’ll be able to tell in this skirt. I go to class. He hasn’t texted, but he isn’t awake this early. Lauren hasn’t texted either. It’s been over a whole day. Did she get back to school safe? Is she that busy? Why aren’t I ever that busy? How come other people are so busy and never near their phones, but I’m never busy. Should I be studying more? I don’t have the money to go out. Where are all of my friends? I should go back to Tulane. My friends are there. I don’t want to get depressed again though. Maybe it’ll be better on meds. I had fun last weekend. I’m excited to go back in April. 

I sit in my lecture. Is it noticeable that I’m writing in my journal? What if he calls me out? I’m going to at least listen to the verse in case he calls on me to read. What if I pronounce a name or city wrong from the bible? That would be so embarrassing. Is anyone else here secretly not religious? Probably the girl in the Frank Ocean shirt. What time is it? twenty two minutes until I’m out. I’m not hungry. I have an hour and a half until my next class. Should I write? What if I don’t have time to finish it and get uninspired? I shouldn’t spend money. Where is that coffee shop on campus? No, spending money is bad. I need to save for car insurance. I may buy those concert tickets if I don’t spend a ton in California. The lecture is over. I walk to my car. It’s way colder than I thought it would be. These people are shivering. I either look stupid or incredibly warm blooded. People totally think I look stupid in this outfit. I drive around. I’m wasting gas. I should just go sit in the parking lot at school. He texted. Everything is okay, he just has plans on another day so he’s working today. I text to see if I can bring a record by and drop it of since he’d like it. He says he wishes I wouldn’t. Is it personal? Is it me? What did I do, was it phrased wrong? Does he think I’m being too serious? Is he tired of me? He’s probably tired of me. I’m going to Pet Smart. I go and look at the hamsters and how sweet and small they are. I smile at them and watch them run around and play for probably ten or fifteen minutes. I want a hamster. No, I’d be too lazy to clean the cage. They are so sweet, though. How long have they been in there? Probably too long. That’s so sad. Peppermint oil. That calms me down. I feel like I’m going to have an anxiety attack. Why do I feel like this? I think I’m going to cry. I text again: Are you mad at me? Can we talk about some things? I know I said a lot yesterday, I’m sorry. Can I just say some really simple things and you can tell me what you think? Did I say something wrong yesterday? Are you sure everything’s okay? I know I’m worrying like I said I wouldn’t, but I need to start off on a good foot to stick to it. I don’t know what I’m even saying. I’m being annoying and pissing you off. I know there are way too many texts on my side and I feel so stupid. Can you please just find time to tell me if things are okay? 

I text over ten times, probably twenty. From 11;15 until he texts back around 3 something. I’m at the oil change center. Where do I go? I look so stupid. I have no clue where to go. The lobby of this place is full. I have to sit at the kid table. Everyone in here is old so they probably do think I’m a kid. It’s so gross outside, I hope it doesn’t make me sad. I should take my anti-depressants. It’s past noon, maybe I shouldn’t. It will keep me up. It’s so strange to me how tired I can be and then as soon as something bothers me, I’m awake for the next four hours. You’d think I’d be a normal fucking person for once in my life, but no. God, I look so annoying. I understand why I got broken up with now. It’s so cold in here. Do I have homework? I think that worksheet was for later this week. I should check when the next assignment is due. He’s typing, I’m anxious. Those thirty seconds are completely pit-of-your-stomach. What if he says something mean and I cry in this lobby? I should go to the bathroom in case. They called my name. My car is done. I sign paperwork. I go to my car and drive home. He tells me he knows to ignore what I said earlier- I’d been like this every day for the last ten days. I’m too stressed. It’s too obvious. Why do things hurt my feelings so easily? I’m driving. I tell him I’m driving and I’ll ask the two questions he told me he’d answer when I get home. So, I type out a condensed version of what I’d said yesterday- asking for patience and forgiveness when I know that’s stupid- when I know he understands and is willing to joke around and act like I’m not a freak. He’s too kind. I know he was overly kind to me in New Orleans because he wanted me to feel emotionally strong. He knew it would be a rough weekend. Lauren texted. She’s alive. We talk. I don’t have time to explain why I’m anxious- I don’t really know why. She sends me a meme. My phone is going to die. I come off of all of my worry after the talk I have about my worry and how he reassures me that I have nothing to worry about- I’m not being forgotten, I’m not hated. He’s far too funny for me. Does my senes of humor seem too immature? Does he even get this joke? The song playing right now is sad, I hope it doesn’t impact my mood. 

I’m at home on my bed. I tried on my bikini again before I go to San Diego. It looks so much worse on me now. Is it because I’ve gained weight? No, I weighed myself this morning and hadn’t gained weight. Maybe, I’m bloated. I just drank a lot of water. I wanted to take pictures in this, but I’m not going to now. How many days- today is.. Wednesday. Tomorrow I have New Testament early in the morning. Then, I have gym. I don’t think I’ll go. I always look so stupid in there. She tried to make us play volleyball last week- can you believe that? There are like ten people in that class and none of us know one another. It’s so awkward. I always feel so awkward. I hate working out in front of people. I think I’ve eaten too much today. I had coffee this morning, a kind bar, then I ate some edamame and grain crackers. I had a small bowl of tomato soup and a piece of toast with it for lunch. I think I’ll skip dinner. I’ll drink more water and maybe it’ll flush everything out. I should drink this last beer today so I can have the next four or five days to not drink anything except water. Why is my chin so itchy? Oh, he texted again. Bangs? He thinks I should get bangs? I’d look terrible with bangs. My face is too round. Yeah, just looked at myself in the mirror, and I definitely see a double chin. I don’t think they’d look good on me. That one girl in high school had incredible bangs. Would he still think I was pretty if i got them? What if they make him think otherwise and then he doesn’t like anything about me? Maybe I should do it. Change is good. My ends are dead though so I’ll just start with a trim. Dinner. I shouldn’t eat dinner. If I do, I should do like a banana or something. 

My skin itches. Is it just because it’s hot in here? No. No, why is my neck so itchy? Moisturizers break me out. Do I want to break out or relieve this? I could leave it alone. Where is my peppermint oil? I look crazy typing this. I won’t post it. It can stay in my notes for a long time. Honestly, I think a whopping three people read this. If you put that, you’ll look like you underestimate and are fishing for compliments. What do I type next? How do I transition back to something else? It looks too choppy. What if people actually think I’m a really shitty writer and just pity me because I have so much fun with it? I think some things are okay. Some things. I should write more. I know he won’t text back; he’s busy. Should I text just to tell him the good news? Does it look like I’m lying to get his attention? It’s just good news. It’s just something I’m happy about. I don’t think he cares, but maybe he just finds it nice to see me excited about things. I think I’ll tell him, yeah, this text is too long though. What words can I take out to make it look shorter. That sentence is pointless- too explanative. Back space back space back space. Posture. Sit up straight. This is why my spine looks so weird. I need to stop hunching my shoulders over. Jesus, I hope my mom doesn’t check my checking account. I spent so much pointless money last week. I feel so guilty. Maybe I can return it. I don’t think so. I’ll keep it. The jewelry is cute. Yeah, at least I have some for the pictures I take in San Diego. I’m so excited. I need to download my music so it’ll play. I should watch a movie today too. God, I need to go to the theater and watch some stuff this week. I may do that tomorrow to  pass time.I hope he doesn’t think I’ve showed up for him. I just want to come see some movies. Im behind. I saw Red Sparrow a few weeks back. It was good. Tulane housing emailed me. They want to call me tomorrow. I think they just want to clarify my situation, but if they tell me I’ll be in freshman housing I think I’ll cry. How do they even do that? There isn’t enough for everybody. I want to live in Paterson. I’d have a balcony and be close to everything. My friends would be closer too. What if they put me in JL? Oh, my god. I think I’d actually drop out. What if I get depressed again? I can’t even walk past my old dorm without feeling gutted. Too much happened there. Too much happened. I suddenly feel so sad. I remember being there and looking in my old window and seeing another girl live there. It was like that was the only part of campus that I never existed in. I felt wanted everywhere else. I think I was wanted at least. It felt good. I wonder if people would actually come visit me. I would love that.I’d get to show people the city. I just hope I don’t get sick again. I’ll be on probation when I first come back, and I just think maybe my classes will be too difficult to handle. If I slip, what if they kick me out? Just because my grade wasn’t good? What if they give me like math or science when I first come back? I’d fail and they’d kick me out because I’m supposed to be doing way better than just average. What if I gain weight? Bruff was so gross. I don’t want to go back and gain weight. I’ll have to start going to the gym. I do miss their gym. I’d just need workout clothes. Sometimes when I get too hot and workout without eating, I wind up passing out. I need to stop doing that. I need to take my vitamins.T That’s why my hair is dead. I haven’t been taking them. 

I should go to sleep. I should sleep. It’s 9 pm. Where is my birth control? There. There. I need to refill this tomorrow. I’ll refill it on my way home. Wait, I was going to go to the theater. I’ll do it Friday. I have the pill for tomorrow. So I can do it Friday before they close. Would bangs actually look good? I’m going to turn on a show. I think I’ll have a nightmare if I watch this one, so I’m going to skip it. All of these look interesting, I just can’t sit through anything that has bad acting and they all look terribly acted. I should write a screenplay. I could be an actress. I hated The Ritual. It gave me a nightmare from hell. I should take another shower. I need to throw up. I think I’ve eaten too much. If i gained half a pound, I think it’ll ruin my day tomorrow. Yeah, my mood won’t be good. I’m going to ruin my teeth. I need to make sure I take care of my teeth. I’ll double brush and double floss. That will be okay. I’ll call my dentist in the morning. Why hasn’t anyone texted me back? Did mine send? Yes. They sent. Stop texting. You look so bored and pathetic. Sleep. Go to sleep. I think he hates me again. I think I said something wrong. What time is it? 

[billgavemeextrachips]

Reasons I don’t want to see my extended family at the holidays

1. I can’t, in good conscience, just “let it slide” or “agree to disagree” with the horrible things they say. I’ve read articles online about families being polarized or split apart over politics, and they all seem to bemoan some bygone era when people just didn’t talk politics in polite company. But you know what? That’s not an option anymore. I’m a queer, disabled woman- my life is political. Our culture shoves politics in everyone’s faces- from Facebook to the NFL. (The latter was politicized when they started glorifying the military, years before the police brutality protests began. Please note that I support taking a knee and don’t find that to be ‘making things political” when that venue already was.) Also doesn’t help that my grandfather loudly complains about every Indian-American and Latino he comes into contact with. I am not even kidding. How do I even suggest to them that we “just not talk about it” without censoring my grandfather, and putting myself back in the closet?

2. I can’t argue back, either. I tried having “friendly debates” with an aunt for two years (2014-2016.) Dozens of times, I left Panera or a high school guard competition, loudly declaring to my mom on the ride home that I like talking politics with her sister! It’s fun right!?!?!? I’m so glad at least *one* conservative in her family will listen to my views without belittling me for being young and naive and over-educated, or just plain shouting me down!!! (Shows you how much the rest of her family respects me, that I interpreted basic human politeness and refrains from ad hominem attacks as this amaaazing show of compassion from my aunt.) Meanwhile I had an elevated heart rate for hours after these “fun” debates, and spent days thinking of all the things I should have said better. And all that effort for what? My aunt still supported Trump from the very beginning of the primaries- and brags about it. She still thinks the Klan in her county are just harmless, senile old eccentrics, and all taxes are robbery.

And attempts to have discussions with other members of the family have resulted in me fleeing the scene, physically shaking, ending up at a complete loss for words, and even self-harming. All for none of them- not even the “nice, fun” one- to budge an inch. My breaking down and failing to articulate a point to these people can’t possibly be helping any progressive/tolerant causes. If anything it’s hurting the causes. Along with my mental health.

3. When the take-a-knee protests came up in conversation last Sunday, I was physically afraid of my grandfather. He’s 81, but he’s still this 6′, barrel-chested man who does most of the maintenance on his own properties. I’ve never heard him yell so loud, or so deep. Above the clamor of half a dozen people shouting me down at once, in the dark around that campfire, what stands out to me was him growling, right next to me, Now you listen here! That’s not something you say to someone you’re even remotely open to listening to. That’s a command. Almost a threat. And maybe I’m a coward for being afraid of just that, when he hasn’t raised a hand to me since I was a toddler. But then call me a coward.

The truth is, if I had a girlfriend/wife/family of my own, and/or lived far enough away, I would have stopped spending time around my grandfather years ago. My parents tried once. Back in 2002, when we announced we were adopting from China my grandfather was my father’s (his son-in-law’s) employer. And his response to finding out he’d have another grandchild, who happened to be brown and born on the other side of the world?

“Well we’re not putting her on the company health insurance.”

He did not budge on that until he met my sister- a year and a half later. In the meantime, we moved hundreds of miles away, only to come crawling back when unlucky circumstances and plain bad financial decisions pushed my parents into bankruptcy. They felt they couldn’t make it, living that far from my mother’s parents. Not emotionally, and certainly not financially. 

I doubt my grandfather has ever apologized for his response to us adopting. He doesn’t do apologies. What he does do, and always has, is pay for family members’ houses and cars and medical treatments and college tuitions. As a wealthy man, who grew up one of 13 siblings in a working-class family in the Great Depression, I’m sure financial providence is a sincere expression of love coming from him.

I can see that, and that’s part of why this hurts so much. Why I’m losing sleep and feeling selfish.

But just because my grandfather’s not deliberately puppet-mastering us all, doesn’t mean I haven’t felt the strings pull My mom has begged me ever since I came out to her (four years ago!) to never, ever tell her parents. I don’t know what she’s afraid of. Could be anything from our entire branch of the family being disinherited, down to just the “let’s-not-talk-about-this” awkwardness her family is way too good at maintaining. Which is totally why I’ve never asked her what, exactly, she’s afraid of. I am a product of these people. I came out to my grandparents via a Post-It note stuck to my monthly “car payment” check in the mail. Which I usually hand-deliver, because that’s how fucking close this family is, emotionally and geographically.

But even though it’s “close,” and not abusive per se, my relationship with the extended family is not healthy. I have lost sleep for days before every big family gathering since 2011. Since I began self-harming in 2013, I’ve had more incidents after family arguments than any other trigger, and it’s a goddamn miracle that I’ve kept my 8-months-clean streak going with all that’s been bouncing around my head since Sunday. Every time I’m around them- especially a group of them- I seem to do more damage to my mental health, their esteem of “liberals,” and any remaining positive feelings between us. Maybe I’m the toxic one here. I don’t know. I don’t fucking care anymore. I just can’t do it.

I can’t do it.

I’m not saying I don’t want to ever speak to any of them ever again ever. No. I just... I can’t go to Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. Or New Year’s at my uncle’s house, which has the same guest list as the family Christmas, PLUS people from the evangelical megachurch I grew up in. 

I just can’t. I haven’t figured out how to tell any of my family this. I’m hoping my therapist will help. I hope- I think- that she won’t pull the same thing the internet articles did, this whole “blood is thicker than politics” bullshit that just makes me feel overdramatic and wrongheaded for taking a long-overdue stance for my own self-regard and personal boundaries.

[ethanspring]

Good morning from Tokyo, also known as the start of The Matrix.

Meet Fukoku Mutual Life Insurance company.

Fukoku is replacing 34 workers with IBM’s Watson Artificial Intelligence.

Now this isn’t some dumb terminal at Panera where you get your soup and half sandwich with no onions. This is artificial intelligence that not only takes over, but does a better job than the 34 poor schleps who got canned.

Fukoku, which roughly translated from Japanese means “Fuck All Humans”, is expected to save tons of money, and become much more operationally efficient.

I wonder at what point Fuckallku’s Watson is going to make the realization the CEO bangs Geishas and gets hammered on Saki every night and decides he’s inefficient and expensive?

If I were a cab, delivery or truck driver I’d be looking for a new job right now. Given that Uber is at the forefront of driverless technology, I think that speaks loud and clear as to what they think will happen to their workforce.

Wish me luck my friends as I try to break us out of The Matrix. I love the human race, warts and all. And I would take the warmth of love, companionship, and even at times unpredictability of humans, over the cold, calculating IBM Watson.

I kinda miss seeing the onions on my sandwich when I ask for no onions three times at Panera.

[shadzennjakereak]

Thoughts of a vulnerable man and well, it’s my life story. Kinda

~~So to lead this off, this was a mostly comprised as a message I would send to my closest friend. But well, for archival purposes I wanted to leave this here on my dead af Tumblr account because, well that is what I use it for afterwards. So if some things read somewhat oddly, it is probably due to it being written as a letter in sorts for someone.~~

------ Well... hm.... I'll hit on the major things kinda like I have when I have done therapy in the past. So uh... when shad was a young boy, roughly around 10, I was at a mom's side family Christmas party and me and my female cousin of the same age, Erin, was playing around. Another cousin of mine, whos name I forget, was roughly 15 years old brought us to the basement and pretty much tried to make us fuck. So yes, I was partially molested as a child, LUCKILY my young brain kinda knew this was not normal and grabbed my brother, while im fully naked, and well he got involved and stopped it. However the entire family outside of the immediate, sided with my older cousin and well my family got cut out of my mother's side. As for Father's side, well they are all in Maryland so I have never met them.

Now fast forward a few years, im a shy kid whatever nothing much happens. We get into Highschool where I have my friend group and this one girl I'm hard crushing on who so happens to be my closest friend. Her name was Micky, very weird girl, always cosplaying and well... Everyone assumed we were dating because well even at school we were always like cuddling and shit, HOWEVER we never did. She pretty much had a sugar daddy the entire time and the one time I knew in Senior year that she was single, I asked her out and well, was rejected and pretty from there we stopped interacting. So I not only lost my closest friend, but also well felt the pain of rejection of the one who I was in love with.

Now suddenly in highschool I'm desperate to get laid after getting rejected and well, turn to craigslist, find a milf who takes my virginity, cool. While that was very vanilla it was a fun learning experience. I did know my baseline kinks at this point. I kinda immediatly learned all that early into my life. Highschool was easy going more or less. I had great grades without trying much and looked decent, despite only having a singular relationship, back in 8th grade, at this point so I kinda never had that confidence in me. Hm... well highschool passes and I reject a couple small scholarships for wrestling because I'm an idiot. I enroll into Eastern Michigan University.

This would be my first time away from home pretty much ever and adulting for myself. It went terribly. This is what broke me and has been the root of my mental issues. I went to some classes, did fine, but this mother fucking Friday 2-d art class was from 8am - 6pm. I was going for a computer graphics animation degree which I absolutely love to this day, but well I despise drawing and that was all this class was. I hated it so much and couldn't even wake up for it that I stopped going. I got scared of how my parents would react and hid this information until the very end of the semester where they found out. I failed that class and another due to attendance (despite having an A in the class itself).

I agreed with my parents to retake those two courses. I did, but immediatly into I fell back into the slump. I was alone again, only person close to me was Dra, my roommate. My friends from highschool never contacted me, and I ignored family. I was utterly alone so I decided to attempt to take my life. Due to a miracle Dra was there and prevented this. So I lived. However as the year went on I grew scared and frightful of going home, so I ran. I decided to work at Cedar Point which is in Ohio and has on-boarding rooms. So I went there without telling my parents why.

Eventually my father would gank me at Cedar Point and I told him everything that happened. He was just disapointed, but happy to at least talk to me again for the first time in honestly 1.5years. While I was working there I made close friends, as Dra also worked here and I met others. I at least started to feel some happiness again since leaving highschool. I had one relationship with  a girl while working there. It kinda ended due to her not accepting my kinks when I told her. I also had another girl who was interested in me, but she refused to date me because she didn't want to do Long Distance once we stopped working at Cedar Point for the season. Well, Cedar Point closed at the end of October for the 2016 season. I had to go back home.

I go back home with my family and just bum there. I am not looking for a job or looking to go back to class. I was only playing games, eating, and sleeping. Eventually my father got sick of my shit and got me a temp job at his workplace at the end of December of that year. I worked there for a month helping reorganize files for the Human Resources department to help them with their acquistion of another company. At the end of January 2017, they offered me a full-time job as a Human Resources Intern. I had no interest... but my father convinced me to take the job as a way to get paid schooling down the line. So I accepted.

Throughtout the year I do what I can, but my emotional state is all sorts of fucked. I am working a 8-5 job that is an hour away. I am not a morning person as you know. I wake up around 6am every day for this job and well, my body cant handle it. I got into a major car accident on my way home from work one day. I luckily had no injuries nor the person I hit, but my car got totalled. I continue working. I do what I can, but one of the woman I worked under hated my work. She was always critiquing me, giving me bs tasks to do, and just never really letting me feel like I do decent work, and never teaching me anything. I had no prior experience or education for this job for christs' sake! She wares down on my mental regularly.

It wasn't much better at home. My mother constantly is yelling at me to lose weight, that I look like shit, I need to take care of myself, I need to go back to school. She never complimented me. So my own Mother and this woman at work were 2 devils in my ears that broke me down more and more everyday with nowhere safe to hide. It destroyed me. However Acri comes along and says "Hi, here's Kelsey" around July of 2017. This was my first real girlfriend. Things were happy and great at first. She helped me with my mental and so on. However you know how her story arc goes.

Now back at work, it was October 2016. I get into another car accident after falling asleep while driving into work. I was right outside of the office when this happened, so everyone there knew this was happening. I get this taken care of with the police and the report. I go into my dad's office to avoid people as he offered to, and would let me file the insurance stuff. But, the woman who berated me regulary came knocking on the office door and saying "Hello? You ever going to come to your desk and actually do work today?" This is when I break... I shut the door on her and text my dad to come back asap. I tell him what happened and he agrees to fire me for unemployment benefits. I am unemployed yet again.

I go for most of October and November jobless. I eventually pick a job up at Panera Bread in December of 2017. I am still dating Kelsey, and we have met IRL a few times now. She despises my family due to a few stupid disputes. She refuses to hear rhyme or reason and just hates them without compromise. However working at Panera was nice. I met a lot of people there and was working evening shifts, so I had a regular sleep schedule that wouldn't cause driving accidents. While working there I need to leave home, my mother is still berating me and tearing me apart at home. I start looking into an apartment, and while doing so, Kelsey insists she needs to leave her home state of Pennsylvania. I feel like we are ready to move in together thinking things were okay. I settled on in apartment in June 2018.

After taking a week off, I move into the aprtment myself with my parents help, and Kelsey shortly after. My parents and kelsey had a major argument at this point. My parents insisted on having the apartment key to tidy up things while I spent the weekend driving to PA to move Kelsey's shit, and Kelsey despised this idea as anything my parents did was evil in her eyes. So they argued and argued. My mom also eventually would find my sex toy in my room back home and we had a major argument about those. She would call me the Devil's child and we never would really be on "friendly" terms again.

Well after moving Kelsey into my new apartment, I realize the mistake I made. She is useless as a human being. She does nothing to help around the apartment. I am working full time and the only one capable of driving. Kelsey would sit home and do nothing but eat and game. She did no chores, and if I asked her to, she would yell at me. We had no sex life either. She strung me along making me act like a father, driving her where she needed to go, buying her groceries, doing chores at home. I sacrificed everything and would never recieve anything in return. She eventually would break up with my at the start of February 2019. I was destroyed, but this was thankfully something that had to happen. While I was destroyed and heavily suicidal again, I eventually recovered and started going to therapy. Also mind you Kelsey was blaming me for things, she was saying how I needed to get better, how I was the lazy one, how I didn't do enough to make her happy.

So after about 2 weeks of devestation, I start recovering thanks to Acri and Nevan. They help me through this time, but I am however still stuck living with Kelsey for about 4 more months. She already has a new boyfriend. That, is oddly suspicious, but fine whatever. I play nice, I keep being Kelsey's father but I refuse to do any more cooking for her. She at the very least must feed herself. She starts to claim I'm abusing her and enjoy watching her suffer. March of 2019 she decides to have her new boyfriend visit. I am so against this and tell them to get a hotel room. Kelsey says they cant for a whole week, which was how long he was staying. We compromise on them having a hotel for the initial weekend, then they sleep on the couch of the apartment for the rest of the duration. Well this happens and I mostly just ignore them during this shit. Her new boyfriend, who was named in discord as, Dragon Daddy, finally leaves.

The following month Kelsey goes out to visit him, I finally have a week away from Kelsey. I feel great and so on. She eventually comes back, we get into more arguments on the regular. She eventually disappears randomly at the start of June 2019. The last month of the apartment. She is gone without saying anything and barely taking anything of hers. She doesn't respond to me for a days. I'm somewhat concerened but fine whatever. She eventually says she is gone and not coming back. She left her shit here though. Near the start of July I come back home from work. The apartment is TRASHED, about 50% of her stuff is gone. I guess she came by and took it without a word. She doesn't respond to messages. I move out in July and into a new apartment the following month.

Kelsey reaches out again and is asking to get the security deposit for our apartment, which I personally fully paid for. I tell her no and she has no claim to it. We argue about it until I block her because I refuse to deal with it. We packed the things she left at my apartment into boxes and send her a message that says she has one month to give us a shipping address or else it is all going into the trash. She responds with "Never contact me again, I refuse to talk to Jacob due to his abuse of me." I have not heard from her since.

And now we move onto the new stuff. I did start a new job in November of 2018 at Potbelly. It was nicer than Panera due to a lighter work load. And my life is starting to go up. I was recieving therapy which helped and eventually had to stop due to insurance not allowing more sessions. But I'm on an up trend. Things are going well, 13Noobz roster was going well until that exploded, so we talked and decided to find Lost Collective. It has its issues, but I am proud of it. And Due to LCST I have made wonderful new friends, and well of course Tay, being the best. I honestly do love you, and I'm happy to have met you and hope Acri makes you happy, as you deserve it. And of course everyone that has joined my Discord has been wonderful, and due to living with Brian, me and him have rekindled our brotherly bonds.

Of course I'm not perfect, especially mentally and physically. I don't look great, I still have depression, which definetly spikes up in Winter (seasonal depression). But, well, for now at the very least I can say I'm content with my life. I have friends who actually care about me for the first time, well ever. Acri has also recently come back into my life majorly which is nice. So I have my solid foundation of Nevan, Tay, and Acri. The 3 people closest to me. And of course I love interacting with the others. I just, well am not use to this. I haven't had friends since highschool, and definetly not ones who are as close to me as I am close to them. It's nice to have my own love and affection for my friends be returned in full.

[apsbicepstraining]

The Timeline Of Becoming Human Again After A Weekend Of Terrible Decisions

Memorial Day Weekend is traditionally acknowledged as the kickoff for a summer of beach trip-ups, backyard beers and relentless tit sweat.

MDW is also my birthday weekend, which constructs my already skewed, drunken decision-making and self-care that much poorer.

This year was no different. Day drinking? Check. A nutrition of grilled meat and half-melted sugar? Check. Waking up in an outer parish apartment I’ve never previously seen with half an old sandwich in my handbag? Check.

Come the Tuesday following MDW 2016, I feel like someone replenished a Panera sourdough bread bowl with whisky, marijuana and repent and then left it in the sunbathe to think about what it’s done/ exhaustively curdle.

Is it possible to hop back into the scheduleof a responsible adult after a summer weekend of unadulterated fuckery?

I needed to be purified. For the coming week( ish ), I plan to document my seamless alteration into a well-rounded, health, sober human being who loves home cooking and early mornings.

Degenerates can have it all, too.

Tuesday, May 31: Welcome To A New Me, Assholes

7 am : I wake up, expecting to feel rested and revitalized from seven hours of sleep, except I live in New York City without an air conditioner. Forecasts say to expect warm, sunny days all week. I stand naked in my chamber and accept nature’s penalty for my miscreantbehavior over the weekend. 7:05 am : I turn on the rain. I plan to wash my whisker today because I haven’t in a few weeks. I’m starting to look like Johnny Depp I’m talking Captain Jack Sparrow Johnny Depp , not “Crybaby Johnny Depp and it’s not a sound I can pull off.

Before getting clean, I sit on the settle and suck cold coffee I stuck in the fridge the darknes before in an admirable ordinance of #MealPrep and #SelfLove. It’s merely OK.

7:30 am : After my rain, I silently praise myself for not only soaking my hair, but likewise scraping my legs. Unbridled feminine power is extending from my calves, which are a tiny bit lashed, but whatever. Nobody’s perfect.

I spray rose water( a hydrosol) with frankincense from Enfleurage on my face, justasmy bestie admonished. Herbraces once got stuck to my favorite sweater in front of our eighthgrade class, but now she’sa professional makeup creator, licensed aesthetician and semi-finalist on season 10 of Syfy’s Face Off.” If she told me it would build me eternally beautiful, I would fill my holes to the brim with goose poop and decorate thinner.

I pull my mane back because heat-free styling feels like a responsible move and slather SPF with zinc oxide on my sugared, smooth faccia to protect it from the sun that seeks to destroy its ageless glamour.

8: 15 am : I march to the nearest subway stop. Sweet Lord. It’s already so red-hot. Too numerous tacos from the nighttime before recur my bowels. 9 am : I arrive at work and heat up a packet of organic( ooooooooh !!!) instant oatmeal. I arouse in peanut butter and raspberries. I start to feel superior to anyone who devour a bagel this morning. Don’t they care about their own bodies? I do. I would NEVER consider putting that kind of drivel in my flesh temple.

I am a new lady brimming with self-respect. I would rather drownmy somewhat unblemished, 27 -year-old body in the shit hose from “The Shawshank Redemption”than load it full of simple-minded carbs and transfats.I am better than every human/ swine/ deity, nutritionally speaking.

10:30 am : I begin to sketch a breakup email to my therapist of nearly three years. This find counterproductive to my efforts to become the healthiest all-around Taylor, but I have no choice. My employer lately changed insurance carriers and my doctor only abides one type.

I consider living therapy-free. I’d have an extra 40 instants of period each week, and I wouldn’t have to hike to the Upper East Side for appointments. This tones, after nine years of therapy, like a welcome separate I may eventually be ready to handle.

Seconds pass. I embark Googling healers who admit my new guarantee, rapidly coming to expressions with the facts of the case a therapy-free life is a dystopian barren for me and everyone I love.

I’d likely end up dating a high school senior, going really into headbands as a flesh of self-expression, defining small-minded volleys to appear alive, counting calories from gum I ruminated as legitimate sections of energy and becoming one with my bed.

12 pm : I eat lunch, slapping sliced avocado and a mid-sized tupperware’s worth of homemade salsa on some rice patties. It’s all right, but it prepares me kind of thirsty. I realize I’ve merely had two glass of water in so far today.

Proper hydration is something health seeds( identify: Gwenyth Paltrow or the Moon Juice girl) take very seriously, likely. I suppose one day being that kind of wispy, elegant 40 -year-old woman whose surface incandescences and whose forearms examine just likethe small remains kids shove in the sides of a snowman. Totally achievable.

5:00 p.m. : I leader to the gym, fueled by a renewed feel of purpose and the disgrace that harasses one after a weekend of questionable choices. I run. I squat. I try to toss my hair behind my shoulders and snicker carelessly atop the treadmill, but my hair is very short and I cannot breathe deeply sufficient to chuckle because practice is hard. 6 pm : Each time I cleanse my hands, I put on Trader Joe’s Coconut Body Butter because I care about moisturizing now. It smells like dessert. It stirs my knuckles feel ridiculously smooth. My knuckles are basically astrapping young camel who’s precisely had his humps shaved for a big appointment, or something. 7 pm : I leader to Lowe’s to buy an AC unit for my suite, every inch of whichis charminglysunbathed in the winter and awash with unavoidable hellfirein the summer.I find a group that looks like every other unit and wait for my roommate, who’s hold back at her nannying profession, to come promotion me get this fatty bitch home.

I stand in the checkout expanse next to my large-scale girl buy, mutely praising those lucky enough to witness me expending $350 on something other than alcohol and fancy potatoes.

7:30 pm : My roommate, Charlotte, arrives at Lowe’s. We haul the human rights unit into a taxi and, formerly we make it uptown to our structure, haphazardlydragit up five flights of stairs to our apartment.

The whole seek leaves me feeling proud and physically destroyed. We soondiscover special bolts on our opening grate that won’t allow us to install the air conditioner until acontractor trips. So, fuck it, I guess.

8 pm : I snack a veggie burger patty and a container of sauted kale for dinner. So many nutrients! I want to die, kind of.

9:15 pm : Charlotte and I use the AC unit as a foot residual/ coffee table, and we begina series of dialogues so specific to our generation I think, for a moment, whether it would sound like system to my grandfather( or any other 84 -year-old because my granddad is deaf ).

Me: U can’t use the black thumbs up emoji, Charlotte, that’s racist.

Roommate: I feel bad shedding all my emoji white-hot. Like Hollywood.

— Taylor Ortega (@ taylor_ortega) June 1, 2016

Remember where reference is all caused Cara Delevignenevne a Nobel prize for I approximate having almost a personality

— Charlotte Barnett (@ CHARBAR) April 20, 2016

Pitbull is proof the Harry Potter universe is jolly since he’s certainly retired Miami Voldemort.

— Taylor Ortega (@ taylor_ortega) October 8, 2015

Sexism in Hollywood: no one asked for MORE David Schwimmer, hitherto here we are

— Charlotte Barnett (@ CHARBAR) May 5, 2016

I too wonder whether any of the dumb shit we say is proof Millennials are mankind’s salvation or itsfinal damnation. I decide we’re maybe the latter, but implant that thought deep in an effort to stay positive and shun stress-eating the box of chocolate almonds Charlotte has opened on the couch.

9:25 pm : My ex-boyfriend arrives to pick up the stuff he left at my accommodation before we broke up. I look like a sweatbeast and my leg is bleeding a bit, for some reasonablenes. I facilitate him carry his containers downstairs.

We chat. It’s all really mature. Extremely Calvin Harris and Taylor Swift, if Calvin Harris was a beautiful, half-asian human who insisted on accompanying his goddamn bike everywhere and Taylor Swiftwas 5’10”, willowy and born in 1989( this is an outright brag about how much I have in common with Taylor Swift ).

We are advanced humen capable of enjoying and losing without hysterium. My leg hemorrhages the whole time, but he doesn’t say anything.

12 am: I wash my face, spray it with rose water, brush my teeth, determined my frighten and contribute myself a big ol’ pat on the back for a epoch of task, healthful eating, evolve interactions, adult acquisitions and sobriety. I is certainly be able to pick up the slack from this weekend without breaking a sweat.

Wednesday, June 1: 24 Hours Might As Well Be A Million Years

9 am : POTATO CHIPS FOR BREAKFAST? COME ON, YOU WEAK, SWEATY BITCH. You know what? It’s fine. I’m fine. Part of self-improvement is acknowledging moments of weakness and not letting dichotomous thoughts to thwart progression. I’M STILL IN THE GAME. 1 pm : I steadily hydrate throughout the day. I ingest tofu salad with brown rice for lunch. I am sharp-worded, alert and full of energy. 6:30 pm : My improv team, Champagne Empire, rehearses a few stymies from my agency. After a few particularly physical scenes, I wonder whether I should have worn a short sundress on a show darknes, regardless of the fact that I remembered to put on bikeshorts underneath. 9:00 p.m. : I arrive at the theater an hour before my substantiate. What should I have for dinner? A gin and tonic with acquaintances? Sure, sounds great! 9:01 pm : SHIT, WAIT. 10 pm : Champagne Empire’s weekly substantiate begins. Without being provoked by another teammate, I decide to play the status of women whose legs were burned off by a chocolate fountain.

I drag my person around the stage by my limbs for 25 hours, realise it’s my fault for not only wearing a dress to this evidence, but choosing to play a flailing, horizontal persona for no reason whatsoever.

11 pm : All is not lost. There is one hour to save my era. I’m not going to stress out about perfection. I’m going to take each hour as it comes and allow my health choices to cleanse every last cell in my form until I have achieved a superior status of world. What’s that? My friends are having a few beers? SURE I’ll join! 11:01 pm : WAIT, SHIT. UGH.

Thursday, June 2: You’re Not Better Than Me

8 am : I am beginning work with an easy daylight ahead of me. I have no rehearsals , no shows and no air conditioners to drag up and downthe west back of the city. All of my fortitude and centre can be exploited to achieve the clean lifestyle that’s escaped me my entire life/ the majority of members of this week. 8: 10 am : Organic oatmeal and fruit for breakfast. I smile as I eat it, hoping the physical pageantrywill influence inner gaiety. It doesn’t because oatmeal is just red-hot, mushyplant matter.

Fruit is delicious and beautiful, but it’s not magic. Trans fatties? Those are magic.

Over the past few decades, the meat industry in its own country has obtained a method to deliver us orgasmically yummy plows made from ingredients that just characterize as edible.

Beyond plainly creating these considers, they found a method to addict the American people to them like cigarettes, if cigarettes didn’t preference like dry hound shit and, instead, savor like rich chocolate with a faint plastic aftertaste.

God bless America. I would dismembera live stranger with my bare hands for a Drake’s Cake.

4:00 pm : I pate to the gym, telling myself I just have to get through 40 times before I can leave and do what I actually want to do, which is anything else in the whole wide world. While pretending to try, I receive an email tell people I’ve been charged for a month-long Tidal subscription.

I certainly forgot to cancel it when the free ordeal resolved, and now I’m persisted paying for it. Even in my evolved, nutritious, semi-sober position, small things arefalling through the cracks and I’m starting to wonder whether I was better off waking up with my jeans on and my contacts suctioned to my eyeballs in my fully lit bedroom at 4 am most days.

6:30 pm : For the first time, I see Dumbo. It’s the neighborhood in Brooklyn whereDan Humphrey and his floppy-haired, Gin Blossoms-y dad lived on “Gossip Girl, ” despite being outlined as too good to live in any waterfront property.

I meet afriend to listen some live salsa music and watch babes dance( read: run in circles, mainly ). Here, sitting outside amonga cluster of Brooklyn children with cooler haircuts than me and their swank mothers who likely live in lofts nearby, a calm washes over me and I have the first substantial epiphany of my rebirth…

Friday, June 3: Fuck This Stupid Lifestyle Change

I don’t need to be better at living. I’m already amazingat living.

I have a relatively helpful magnitude from a commonwealth institution I begrudgingly attended following a substantial nervous breakdown at artwork school.

I have a task I enjoy and show up to every day in a semi-punctual, enthusiastic manner.

I have never missed a rent payment on anapartment I’m hesitantto show to gentleman callersbecause, fine, it’s like walking into an immersive trailer for “Grey Gardens.”

I have two floras in my room that, despite being half dead, are also half thriving.

I recently met, and then instantly deleted, two separate dating apps that attained me feel like a judgmental elitist/ future carnage victim.

I showered this morning.

Ihave a strong, positive relation with their own families, despite my mother’s evident outrage at the factI workfull time in an manufacture that substantiates my degree rather than livingin a youth hostel somewhere, elapsing my occasion doing whippets and watching old escapades of “Family Matters.”

I have never physically tortured or killed an animal or human, which I suspect is a concept the majority of members of us haven’t done, but that probably shouldn’t disrepute my achievement.

Self-improvement must be somewhat important, seeing as Americans waste billions of dollars per year trying to rift it, but perhaps, for the majority of us, it’s bullshit.

The version of adulthood I hoped to represent mine so many times is a fantasize that, formerly I actually tried to attain it, took me less than three days to vacate for something I basically understood from the beginning: Stop has become a dick.

Stop being a dick to strangers, to friends, to lineage, to your form, to your psyche, to the environment, to Anne Hathaway, to jerks and to enemies.

I’m tired, you guys. Life is tiring.

If waking up every morningat 4:45 am to shove a bunch of dry greens and ginger into a juicerbefore heading out for some cardio reaches you joyous, then experience your 9 am, in-office diarrhea break-dance knowing full well you’ve accomplishedsomething personally beneficial. If it doesn’t, fuck it.

Just don’t be a dick.

The post The Timeline Of Becoming Human Again After A Weekend Of Terrible Decisions appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

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[365-money-diary]

DAYS 15 - 21

DAY FIFTEEN

8:45 AM - My mom and I drive to Cartel to grab coffee for us, plus Dad and my boyfriend. She covers the tab. We arrive back at home and I open my laptop and start working. I don’t usually work from home, but today I will because my parents are still here.

10:30 AM - I toast a couple tortillas in the toaster oven and make tacos out of chickpea salad mix for breakfast. I make a mental note to remember this as an alternative to bread.

2:00 PM - My mom and I take a break and grab food at Hummus Xpress. I get a falafel bowl with eggplant, lentil salad, hummus, and a ton of veggies. She gets a chicken salad. I cover the tab. $20.74

5:00 PM - I finish working for the day. My boyfriend arrives home from work and we drop off my parents at the airport. We’re sad to see them go. But also really excited to have our house back.

6:45 PM - On our way home from the airport, my boyfriend stops and grabs Chipotle. I have eaten so much food over the past four or five days that I turn down dinner and have a small snack of chips and salsa at home.

8:00 PM - I start prepping for a DJ set I have tomorrow at a barcade in Mesa. I also have another 4.5 hour set coming up in a few weeks and I’m really worried I won’t have enough material for it. I prove myself right by going through all of my records to find that I only have 2.5 hours with no repeats. Aka I’m fucked. I buy The B-52’s self-titled record and text my BFF Connor for support. $9.50

10:00 PM - I check my account and see that my “health insurance” ($150) and gym membership ($10.20) come out of my account.

10:15 PM - My boyfriend arises from his burrito coma and we spend the rest of the night together.

10:45 PM - Before heading to bed, I double check my stash of urinary meds. I see that I need to buy more AZO so I hop on Amazon and do the damn thing. I also get some cranberry gummies. $37.06

DAY FIFTEEN TOTAL: $67.30

DAY SIXTEEN

9:15 AM - I arrive at the office exhausted. For some reason I had a really hard time sleeping last night. I am completely disheveled, out of coffee and grumpy. I grind some beans to make toddy for tomorrow and then make myself a hot Chemex and a slice of toast.

12:45 PM - I get out of a long meeting and while I was just planning to stock up on more salad stuff from Sprouts, my colleagues catch me if I want to grab lunch with them. I take them up on it and we go to Morning Squeeze. I get a black bean quinoa salad and a hibiscus orange juice. $16.76

3:45 PM - Two invoices come in for 2 records I am buying from discogs. They’re both stupid expensive, out-of-print, and shipping from outside the U.S. I am very bummed that a lot of charges like this will be made over the next couple days. $93.57

5:45 PM - I arrive home from work and snack on chips, salsa, & hummus and spend some intimate time with the Kardashians.

7:00 PM - I pick up my buddy who is DJing with me and we head to The Grid for our gig. The folks there are really nice. I opt to drink soda water all night and start my set promptly at 8.

8:15 PM - I am having a lot of issues with my turntables skipping because the stage is very bouncy and the bass coming up from the floor. I fix the problem a few songs in and the rest is smooth sailing.

10:00 PM - My set is over and my good friend came to support with his new girlfriend. We chat in the other room. She seems like a great fit for him and he seems really happy.

12:15 AM - We load out and get paid. $25 each. I definitely have gotten paid better, but hey, it’s a Tuesday night and we love this bar and the staff working there which cannot be said about some of the other spots I DJ.

12:30 AM - I’m still not hungry, but we stop at Taco Bell because the other DJ is starving. I figure because I really only ate salad today that I should get something small. He gets a triple double crunchwrap box and I get a fresco bean burrito. $1.91

1:00 AM - Home, but the dog gets out as I’m lugging in my records. I chase her around the neighborhood for 20 minutes before I finally get her inside.

DAY SIXTEEN TOTAL: $112.24

DAY SEVENTEEN

9:15 AM - Fuck. I am dragging. I arrive at work and make myself some toddy. I skip the toast because I feel like it will knock me out. Today I am definitely going to Sprouts, especially after knowing that I will be spending $500 on records over the next week. Gotta save money somehow.

10:30 AM - I buy a Pylon record from Discogs. Infinitely crying on the inside because all of my record purchases this week are going to be dumb expensive. I also place an int’l order for a Slits 10” and a domestic order for a Ludus 7”. Can’t wait to see what shipping is going to be ...not. $38

10:45 AM - I check my account because I had a mysterious check pop up. The scan finally came through and it was a for a check I wrote forever ago to my cousin who mailed me Girl Scout Cookies from the midwest. $21.75

11:30 AM - Slits invoice comes. I pay it right away and place an order for a 7” by The Fall and another by Can. $24.27

12:00 PM - The Fall invoice comes. $16.49

12:15 PM - Slightly disgusted by how much money I’m going to spend this week, I walk the long way to Sprouts and grab a Big Sur breakfast burrito. I eat that with some chips and salsa I have already at the office. $3.04

1:30 PM - Ludus invoice comes. $23.50

3:30 PM - Boyfriend shows up at work to say hola in between stopping at Livewire (a venue a couple blocks away from my office) to drop off stuff for Tove Lo before he runs to Mesa to work The XX for the rest of the night.

4:00 PM - My assistant bought some bottled chai from Sprouts that she wasn’t a fan of. I’m kind of into it, but not whole heartedly. I pour some into a second glass of toddy because I. Am. So. Tired.

5:00 PM - I need to run something by my boss, but he’s in a meeting / outside, so I give up on my 2nd wind and head home. I stop at Fry’s to grab a Monistat treatment because I am almost positive I have a yeast infection. $31.29

5:45 PM - I’m starving when I get home, so I make myself a small bowl of ramen with some spring rolls from Costco. I curl up with the pup and watch Kardashians.

8:15 PM - I am getting a little antsy so I walk to CVS to get my boyfriend a birthday card. It’s not for a couple weeks, but his birthday present is a garden and we should probably start planting it before it gets hot. $6.48

9:15 PM - My boyfriend calls and is already done working. We talk on the phone until he gets home and spend the rest of the night watching Silicon Valley.

DAY SEVENTEEN TOTAL: $164.82

DAY EIGHTEEN

9:15 AM - I arrive at work, pour myself a toddy, and eat a piece of toast. I approve the thing I needed to get done with my boss so I can push forward on my project.

9:30 AM - I was invoiced for the Can 7”. $11.05

12:00 PM - My assistant and I walk the long way to Sprouts and I get another Big Sur Breakfast Burrito. $3.04

1:30 PM - I decide to apply to a job on the Phoenix Suns website. It appears that I’m qualified for it, and you really never know!

3:30 PM - I only ate that burrito so I dive into some chips and salsa as an afternoon snack.

6:00 PM - I cross paths with my boyfriend after work. We talk about our day and pet the dog.

7:00 PM - I pick up my DJ pal and head to The Grid in Mesa. We get a free meal when we DJ which I did not take advantage of last time. This time I'm going on at 10, so I order tots. My stomach is mad at me for giving it fried food but I will be strong.

12:00 AM - My boyfriend arrives at the end of my set which is surprising and much appreciated! I get good feedback from the patrons on my setlist and we play pinball for a couple minutes while my DJ pal plays a few more songs. After he’s done, we get paid - $25 each and peace out.

1:00 AM - I am in bed and very very tired.

DAY EIGHTEEN TOTAL: $14.09

DAY NINETEEN

9:05 AM - I arrive at work basically dead. I make a piece of toast and pour myself some toddy. Today is going to be a long day.

12:00 PM - Colleagues and I get lunch at Hula’s. I get the Jungle Tofu. It rules. I can’t finish it, so I take a box back to the office. $15

3:30 PM - I dig into my leftovers from Hula’s and remember I have ice cream in the freezer. Cheers to Friday / being super tired and relying on sugar. And oops. I just ate the rest. RIP.

4:30 PM - My boss left early so the rest of us decide to dip out. I get home around 5 and head straight to bed. Boyfriend joins me a half hour later and we pass the fuck out.

8:00 PM - We wake up. I’m super lethargic and by the time we make it out to dinner, it’s 9:00. Options are limited in Tempe without a packed bar around this time, so we hit up Sweet Tomatoes. Boyfriend pays. I leave $5 on the table because we only have cash every other time we eat there. $5

10:00 PM - We watch Silicon Valley until midnight and pass out again. Perfect Friday.

DAY NINETEEN TOTAL: $20

DAY TWENTY

8:45 AM - Alarm goes off. It’s record store day and my boyfriend is eager to hit the record stores. There are a couple things on the release list I’m interested in, so I don’t mind peeling myself out of bed.

9:00 AM - We grab Cartel. A friend hooks us up with free drinks. I tip. $3

9:15 AM - We arrive at Zia, super bummed that they decided to open early and none of us caught it. Everything I want is sold out. My boyfriend finds some stuff though.

10:00 AM - We stop at Panera to use the restroom. Boyfriend treats us to some bagels too. I get an everything bagel with jalapeño cilantro hummus.

10:30 AM - We head to Stinkweeds, another record store in Central Phoenix. Again, I strike out. Boyfriend finds a couple things though.

11:45 AM - We head to AZ Mills. Again, boyfriend kills it and finds a rad pair of kicks. I buy nothing.

12:15 PM - We arrive home and shower and get all cute for a wedding we’re attending in Yuma. I won’t know anyone there which might be lame. I am also worried about the food situation. I pack some granola I always have lying around for emergencies like this while crossing my fingers that checking “Vegetarian” on the RSVP means a mostly vegan meal.

5:00 PM - We arrive in Yuma and I have to pee so bad. My boyfriend stops at Circle K and I buy a bottle of water, a Gatorade, and a KIND bar just in case I’m fucked for dinner. $6.38

5:30 PM - The wedding starts and it’s a super short one. Non-Catholic weddings always seem very cheesy to me, and it makes me not really want a ceremony at all. My boyfriend agrees with my as we head next door to the cocktail hour. We socialize with a couple people the bride went to highschool with and steal some chairs after an elderly couple left. It’s kind of awkward because I don’t know anyone, and everyone my boyfriend knows is in the wedding party.

6:45 PM - We make our way over to the reception hall and run into the groom’s parents along the way. They were like my boyfriend’s second family growing up, and they were super surprised to see him, so we chatted with them for a while.

7:15 PM - The moment of truth. Dinner is shockingly vegan friendly! There are rolls, which I deemed egg-free by their crusty texture, a salad which neatly had the cheese tucked in a corner so I could scoop it out, and some okay stir fry for the main course. SCORE!

10:15 PM - After all the toasts, and traditional wedding stuff, we stay for dancing for a little bit and then head back to Tempe. We get a text from my boyfriend’s little brother who stopped by to play with Katy and let her out while we were away for the day, so we feel better about being gone for so long.

1:00 AM - I fall asleep in the car.

1:30 AM - We arrive at home and I crash immediately. So so exhausted.

DAY TWENTY TOTAL: $9.38

DAY TWENTY-ONE

10:30 AM - Wow. It feels amazing to sleep in! It’s officially the last brunch of the year at Crescent Ballroom so we make plans with two friends to meet them at 11:30. We decide to bring Katy because we feel super bad for abandoning her yesterday for so long.

11:00 AM - We stop by Cartel on our way to Crescent. I stay in the car with the pup. Boyfriend treats.

11:40 AM - We meet our friends at Crescent. Patio’s packed so we wait a while for a shady table to open up. I get a breakfast burrito no egg, no cheese, and stick to water. I throw in most of the money to cover the tab. Katy does really well today. It’s encouraging that we can keep bringing her places (And not just places where we/all of our friends work so they just smile and put up with her behavior.) $17

3:00 PM - I clean the counters and do the dishes. I also “organize” the hoarder room. Aka I throw all of my DJ gear in there in a slightly organized fashion.

5:00 PM - My sister calls and needs to talk about her boyfriend’s job. He was offered a really great opportunity in butt fuck nowhere Illinois. They're both doctors and it seems like a good idea. While we’re on the phone we talk about my female area and my latest symptoms. She suggests that I try rePhresh. I buy a pack of 4 on Amazon. $14.47

5:45 PM - I wake my boyfriend up from his nap so he can either join me to go grocery shopping or move his car out of the way so I can leave.

6:30 PM - We stop at Whole Foods and I grab some produce to make gut healing broth - a new thing I’m going to try since my downstairs area is still doing pretty terrible. I buy carrots, leeks, seaweed, coconut aminos, dried shiitake mushrooms, red cabbage, fresh ginger, a bag of red potatoes, and then some crackers, Field Roast deli meat, Earth Balance cheddar squares, and some probiotic “cheese.” All the produce is going in the broth, so I get it organic $53.67

7:00 PM - I am feeling terrible from not really eating at all today and most of yesterday, so I dig into the Earth Balance squares. They’re good, but I need sugar. We stop at Trader Joe’s and I buy a banana, two bags of power greens, fresh thyme and rosemary and two jars of salsa. The spices and the greens are organic. $16.72

7:30 PM - I eat the banana in the car on the way to Sprouts. I really don’t feel too hot and opt to sit down for a couple minutes while my boyfriend picks up some stuff. After a couple minutes I can feel the sugars hitting my body and I start to perk back up. I get a bag of red onions, some celery, a couple peppers, a loaf of ciabatta bread, and a THRIVE magazine. I also grab a bottle of water on my way out the door. $15.30

8:00 PM - We use some of the ingredients I bought for the soup, plus some stuff my boyfriend bought to make veggie sandwiches. We eat them with waffle fries and watch the rest of the Clippers vs. Jazz game.

8:30 PM - I make my broth. It takes a really long time to make and it kind of tastes terrible, but after adding a bunch of salt, I’m convinced I’ll be able to eat it for two weeks straight. We spend the rest of the evening farting around on our devices while I intermittently check the broth and then head to bed.

DAY TWENTY-ONE TOTAL: $117.16

Food & Drink: $177.56 Entertainment (& Records): $238.13 Home & Health: $82.82 Clothes & Beauty: $0 Transport: $0 Other: $6.48

WEEKLY TOTAL: $504.99